There is always a ceiling I want to break through so I can fly.
My album is nearing completion, and I've been waiting to take that step forward for so long. I see it as my chance to show people what I really do, who I really am, and what I'm capable of. In my mind, I will have solid example of my best work so that people will finally take me seriously, because I take myself seriously. But is it enough?
I want to make big, bold moves forward and be an undeniable force in the music scene. I don't want to blend in. I know that is probably not possible for me, though. I think slow and steady progress makes for much better careers anyway, but I still have to play the "game", take my chances and hope for the best. No matter how seriously you take yourself, playing the music biz "game" always turns out to be a gamble, because you are never guaranteed anyone is going to care one bit about what you do. I don't think I'll be booed into submission... but what I need and what I hunger for are for people to truly relate and feel and have a genuine interest in my music. I want to continually grow my fan base-- my friend base. Is it good enough for that? Am I good enough for that? I think so, but sometimes you just aren't what people need, or want. To have the magical combination of talent, luck and to draw people in, is rare. All musicians are faced with this. And then I see the somber musicians playing cover songs from charts in the corner of a bar where nobody cares, and I wonder: did they start out like me? Bright-eyed? Hopeful to gain legitimacy? How many projects were they a part of that never worked out? Are they happy?
I don't think I'm like anybody else... in fact, the projects I'm involved in are all unique, all something wonderful and worth being a part of, all worth paying attention to. I believe in myself, I believe in my friends, I believe... but do you? You all make or break us. Do you realize how important you are?
But how many times is it gonna be that I get passed over for a gig for someone else more appealing? How many times will I receive lukewarm encouragement and support from my friends, who only sometimes come to my shows, or not at all? How many times will I have to reinvent myself in the hopes that someone will love what they hear and tell their friends about it? How many times will this happen before I let go of the dream? Will I know when to quit and do something else? Should I ever let myself quit? Believe me, I am no where near giving up, but these are questions that plague me when I let my guard down. Will I continue to work myself into fits of exhaustion trying to run to a distant goal, when I'm really just running on a treadmill? Stuck in one place for eternity... is it worth it? Will I be happy, still?
It kills me. I get scared. I'm always going forward, I'm always throwing myself at the next thing, I'm always keeping my eye on the next goal, as if I were fearless. Most days I am able to ignore my nerves and hush the doubtful voices in my head. Most days, I am having a wicked good time living my silly little existence... but I am impatient and I want to know how this story is going to turn out. Will I achieve a moderate amount of respect and success as a musician? Or is this all for nothing? I take that back. That was the negative voices getting through to me, but I've bat them down again like the whac-a-mole game at the arcade.
*ahem*
It isn't all for nothing: I do this for you, so I can connect with you, because music and life means so much to both of us. I do this for me, so I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person I see there. Right now, I am so proud of the person in the mirror, but I could be prouder...
And one of the biggest "proud" moments in my adult life is about to happen. This album is going to be literally unleashed in a few months and you better be prepared... cause I've been waiting to give this to you forever. I've been waiting for this. This is a huge step forward for me, and I'm so glad you're here for it. Please stay in touch, because you mean the world to me.
"All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise... blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night." -you know where this came from
♥ Eva
My album is nearing completion, and I've been waiting to take that step forward for so long. I see it as my chance to show people what I really do, who I really am, and what I'm capable of. In my mind, I will have solid example of my best work so that people will finally take me seriously, because I take myself seriously. But is it enough?
I want to make big, bold moves forward and be an undeniable force in the music scene. I don't want to blend in. I know that is probably not possible for me, though. I think slow and steady progress makes for much better careers anyway, but I still have to play the "game", take my chances and hope for the best. No matter how seriously you take yourself, playing the music biz "game" always turns out to be a gamble, because you are never guaranteed anyone is going to care one bit about what you do. I don't think I'll be booed into submission... but what I need and what I hunger for are for people to truly relate and feel and have a genuine interest in my music. I want to continually grow my fan base-- my friend base. Is it good enough for that? Am I good enough for that? I think so, but sometimes you just aren't what people need, or want. To have the magical combination of talent, luck and to draw people in, is rare. All musicians are faced with this. And then I see the somber musicians playing cover songs from charts in the corner of a bar where nobody cares, and I wonder: did they start out like me? Bright-eyed? Hopeful to gain legitimacy? How many projects were they a part of that never worked out? Are they happy?
I don't think I'm like anybody else... in fact, the projects I'm involved in are all unique, all something wonderful and worth being a part of, all worth paying attention to. I believe in myself, I believe in my friends, I believe... but do you? You all make or break us. Do you realize how important you are?
But how many times is it gonna be that I get passed over for a gig for someone else more appealing? How many times will I receive lukewarm encouragement and support from my friends, who only sometimes come to my shows, or not at all? How many times will I have to reinvent myself in the hopes that someone will love what they hear and tell their friends about it? How many times will this happen before I let go of the dream? Will I know when to quit and do something else? Should I ever let myself quit? Believe me, I am no where near giving up, but these are questions that plague me when I let my guard down. Will I continue to work myself into fits of exhaustion trying to run to a distant goal, when I'm really just running on a treadmill? Stuck in one place for eternity... is it worth it? Will I be happy, still?
It kills me. I get scared. I'm always going forward, I'm always throwing myself at the next thing, I'm always keeping my eye on the next goal, as if I were fearless. Most days I am able to ignore my nerves and hush the doubtful voices in my head. Most days, I am having a wicked good time living my silly little existence... but I am impatient and I want to know how this story is going to turn out. Will I achieve a moderate amount of respect and success as a musician? Or is this all for nothing? I take that back. That was the negative voices getting through to me, but I've bat them down again like the whac-a-mole game at the arcade.
*ahem*
It isn't all for nothing: I do this for you, so I can connect with you, because music and life means so much to both of us. I do this for me, so I can look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the person I see there. Right now, I am so proud of the person in the mirror, but I could be prouder...
And one of the biggest "proud" moments in my adult life is about to happen. This album is going to be literally unleashed in a few months and you better be prepared... cause I've been waiting to give this to you forever. I've been waiting for this. This is a huge step forward for me, and I'm so glad you're here for it. Please stay in touch, because you mean the world to me.
"All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise... blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night." -you know where this came from
♥ Eva